what the hell!  why am i suddenly spending so much money and not making enough?  this has got to stop.

yesterday i agreed to work a live hip-hop concert, which was quite fun although i didn't see street sweeper social club, the one group i knew pretty well.  we just got busy working.  also, i was diligent in preventing sunburn and instead got what is, for all intents and purposes, a tan.  those who know me know i hate tans.  for one, a tan always equals some sort of uneven skin tone and some awkward tan line, somewhere, and for another, half my family died of cancer and i really just don't want to chance that, and for yet another, there are already a couple sunspots on my shoulders and i've been trying to prevent more and yesterday definitely did not help.  the only part of me that actually could have used some sun was my legs, and since i was walking around all day, they got the least.  bah.
that turned into a very vain paragraph.  sorry about that.

the point is that i had it in my mind that i would work all day but make lots of money, more money than if i'd worked at my other job.  i didn't.  i definitely made less.  and the point of all of this is to make as much money as possible in the shortest amount of time so that i can get the hell out to los angeles like i'd decided to do. 
but, dear ether that i'm throwing these words out into, i'm running into some personal opposition.  i knew this would happen.  when everyone from los angeles was here, i knew that la was where i needed to be.  but now it's little me versus the goliath of the greatest city (in my opinion) in america, which for some reason seems to want to keep me here.  suddenly i'm booking auditions that i didn't even submit for.  my agent says that casting directors have been specifically asking for me, while my manager has been submitting me for high-roller shit.  this is hard to pass up on.  and i know it's because i've finally stuck around long enough to be a fixture.

but.  what are the chances that i'll land steady, paying work here?  i can't decide, but i don't think the chances are good.  there's just not much work.  hence me wanting to get out of here in the first place. 

and then there's the band.  how can i talk about the band?  before the band i was a chick who had dabbled in music for much of her life, who had recently bought a guitar again and was learning simple chords.  all of a sudden i'm in a band learning bass.  then, last monday when we had our band jam, i realized i was finally, in my own head, a musician.  a unique musician with something unique to say.  i was an artist with sound.  and how many years had i been both wishing for and denying myself of this title, quality, ability?  and regardless of heather's optimism, i'm really not looking forward to finding or forming another band.  why would i want to find another band when this one works so perfectly?  we're a jam band, a loud band, a fast band, a funny band, a punky funky nod-your-head-and-laugh band. 
and again, i know it won't be making me money anytime soon, proabably ever.  there's always the dream of getting discovered by a producer, cranking out an album, getting signed, going on tour.  but we're actors who are musicians.  the band is a "this is also what i do" for all of us.
i just fucking love it to death, is all.

i know how this goes.  the decision making is, in its way, the easy part.  remembering why the decision was made...a bit harder.

i wrote this when i first moved here:

i've written many poems about new york.  i suppose a good way to say goodbye to new york is to post them.

copyright © 1997-2010 Royal Court Productions:
all original content contained in alita [a light in the attic] and site design are protected under the millennium digital copyright act,
which makes the unauthorized use of copyright material, including but not limited to internet material, a felony.
feel free to email me for reprint permission.