at what point does revisiting become trying to pick up where you left off?
i'm not too keen on making the same mistakes.
yes, i'm moving back to la, but it's a rather large city. i'm much more interested in making something new with a few people i happen to already know.
in other news, my body's going ape-shit. i want to hang an "out of order" sign around my neck.
the good part about being out of order is that you might find a new connection while trying to shuffle yourself back into some sort of working system.
sacrificing stability for the sake of art...isn't that what we do?
also, not wanting to go out makes you spend far less money. and i don't want to touch a drink for at least another week. at this point, maybe two. i don't care if it is free. all that lifestyle threw me for a loop.
no, give me my bed and a book. it's generally safer here. i can make my plans undisturbed.
my plans:
land a couple of commercials.
when i first started auditioning for those things, i was ALL ABOUT IT. then i stopped caring as much. then after arts school i didn't care at all. sometimes i'd be brilliant at an audition, and knew it, then i'd be put on hold (oh joy!) and then be told that they went with someone else. well, i'd like to go out on a high note, and i'd like to be able to buy a car that doesn't suck. time to make the money! so, as my dear jackie said, "might as well just go ahead and do it."
by the way, jackie's killer, i.e. her friend who unintentionally killed her but definitely killed her by being a dumbass and driving off the road while coming down off ecstasy and coke and trace amounts of other things which is one more reason i say no thank you to all that shit, somehow broke her bail and is now in the prison. this is tricky because her friends are also jackie's friends and for the most part they support her in spite of the killing. this is very noble. but these preliminary trials have gone on and on and on - three years now, can you believe it? - and maybe this will finally be done, no more delays because she's behind bars and yes, she was a friend, but justice.
and not in that all-american rifle-waving pound-of-flesh-demanding way, but simply: justice, please. you made a mistake and it cost your friend's life and now you have to face the courts and let them tell you what you must do to pay for what you did. no, losing jackie was not enough because we all lost jackie. her mother, who i barely remember now as a smart, funny, put-together kind of woman, a sort of stone wall, has collapsed and is not necessarily interested in putting the pieces back together, and i may not agree but i understand. we all have at least one love of our life; she birthed her own, and when her love was all but decapitated going down a ravine, she stopped looking for love because she knew it was gone. and the least we can do is hold her gently and look to justice.
i wonder what it means, to lose people. does it make you stronger or more aware of the weakness of being alive?
anyhow -
be shameless about asking for help.
every time i do something big like this, being shameless about asking for help becomes easier. what sort of car would be good to get? do you know of one for sale? do you know of a good place to live in la? do you know of a place that's hiring here so i can make a little more money before i go? do you know someone who got a good deal with something? could you send them my info? please?
the first time i moved, it wasn't even moving. it was most definitely running away. it was the basest version of "i can do this myself." in the eleven(!) years since, i have learned that, at the end of the day, i will be doing this for myself, and this is different than by myself. i am welcoming everyone who wants to take a single step with me, from the advice and the referrals to quite literally sitting at my side while i drive and drive.
i'm really looking forward to that drive. to that period in time when i pull away from the apartment with my stuff in the back and think,
here we go!
but until then, i tell everyone i'm leaving and i ask if they can help me get there.
be realistic about my money situation. my money situation is rarely anything but embarrassing, and now is no exception. hopefully landing those commercials and getting yet another second job will fix that in time. i think it will. but i will keep my eye on my wallet and know that any dollar that comes out of it had better be coming out for a reason, and anything i can do to put a little more into it would be awesome. would be worth it. (um, nearly anything.)
go to sleep because, hello, i'm sick, and how am i going to get shit done if i stare at the ceiling and thinkdreamwishwonder for longer than half an hour?
although
i must admit,
it's fun to be a late teen again
with my trademark far-eyed travel yen...
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