although i haven't been sick much since moving to new york, i find a little comfort in knowing my mind's had time to release and reset while i've slept all night and day, waking up to groggily go to the bathroom, drink tons more water, and pass out again. 

my dreams have been intense.  i can almost see my body fighting the bacteria on the other side of them.  lots of lunar eclipses, oddly enough...and they happened very quickly, like i looked up and watched the full moon quickly slide into darkness.  in one dream a guy i trusted (brother? friend?) borrowed my bike but didn't lock it up, and then it was gone.  that upset me.  for the most part, in everything else my character was calm.  i was venturing in places i wasn't familiar with, big complex buildings, with more of an intent to explore than to seek something out, and at least once i emerged in a backyard of sorts where people i knew were lounging, maybe waiting for me, were happy to see me.  sometimes i'd be trying to make distance from something my character knew but i don't remember - not a threat, or maybe so, but i kept my wits about me.  i always see these dreams as good signs.  if i can stay cool in a strange situation, with the moon suddenly obscured and twisting hallways that always led me to somewhere new, i wake up heartened in my own subconscious tenacity.

i really love that word.  if there's one thing i want to live my life by, it's that.  my father was the optimist, which of course i respect and appreciate, but this is more than optimism.  it's selective persistence.  it's knowing when something is a good thing, and not letting it go; it's seeking out good things to not let go of.  i want to be remembered as tenacious.

early moving plans are going well and not so well.  the money problem is a problem.  admittedly, one of my jobs outright said that august is a slow month for them, so i have to stick with it before i make money.  this is all well and good, as long as the money comes when august is over.  i'm tempted to seek work elsewhere, though...if there was a time when i could afford to not be patient, it would be now. 

money's so ridiculous, isn't it?  last night one of my regulars was reminiscing about how he lived in la for all of a month, when he was trying out a job and deciding if he liked the area.  he wound up moving to the bay, but not before he found a nice two-bedroom apartment two blocks from the beach for six hundred dollars a month.  i almost did a spit-take.  of course, he said, that was back in 1980.  but i couldn't stop thinking how nice it would be to have an apartment of my own - much less with two whole rooms - for six hundred a month.  maybe even with utilities included.  and a reserved parking space.  and and things in walking distance so i won't go crazy in traffic all the time.  and i know this place is out there...but not for six hundred a month.  money's ridiculous.  an abstract entity used to selectively reward for work that may or may not deserve it.  often times it is my enemy; now i'm warily eyeing it, saying "get as much as you can over here asap.  you heard me.  don't get in the way of my plans.  i'll be expecing you."

at the same time, i know that once i get over the car hump, i'll be fine, and even just today i've seen some lovely-looking cars for cheap that have at least two of the specifications i like (manual, two door, [somewhat] fast).  i'm looking in both new york and memphis.  i think that actually just might work out.

i'm also sending out more and more messages to friends: i'm moving back.  it's less of a nail in the coffin, and more watching the enthusiasm spread.  that's great!  of course i'll keep my eye out for a place for you, and a car, and a job.  this, of all things, gives me the most heart.  the ball's rolling a little faster.  by november it'll have rolled clear across to la.

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