it's thanksgiving, and i am thankful for a day off, a cute apartment i'm staying in for the weekend, the cat in my lap, house reruns, and bringing back you - dear penmanship.

lessons learned from a very hard month:

• i've become hyperaware of how my actions change my environment, my future potential actions, etc.  i'm usually most aware of this when i'm looking for a job.  i see a job listing and think, "hmm."  so maybe the employer writes me back and we set up a meeting.  and then i do or do not get brought back in for training, and then i do or do not get hired, and i do or do not stay, and i do or do not bring the rest of my life into my shifts and vice versa, and then i do or do not get fired or leave (either way, for reasons unforeseen).  when i see this job listing, and especially when i'm interviewing, i can see these possibilities very lucidly, with a feeling that it's almost probable that i'll learn the place so well that it'll become old news.
  
  i have learned this month that said lucid possibility seeing is not equivalent to this will actually happen, or this is a good idea. it's also driven home the scope of the expanse of possibilities that constitute life, and the fact that a small action can change everything.


• people can be assholes for absolutely no apparent much less good reason, and all i can do is choose how i take it. (see?! choices!) (also see: "small action changing everything" and "vice versa")  sometimes i use someone's assholiness as an excuse to get more upset than the knee-jerk "what an asshole!" reaction, but that just leeds to seething and what's the point?  then i'm not putting my energy towards the good stuff, but instead am getting the stereotypical bad scorpio attitude then that turns into desperate dissatisfaction over the good stuff not getting done, or done well.  but it's so easily fixable!  and so i shall fix it.


• similarly, if i want to do something, the best, easiest, and most straightforward approach is to do it.  not to do it later.  not to get stuck on considering the possibilities.  there's nothing wrong with being adequately prepared, but: just fucking do it!  and then it's done.  and if it's not done in the best possible way, i fortunately have a long life ahead of me (hopefully) and therefore will probably have the opportunity to do it again.
  
  
• having a cat on my lap is divine. when i get the money to move, i must move someplace that allows cats so this will happen more often.
  
  
• there will be times when nothing works, and regardless of whether it's due to bad karma or indecision or people being assholes or just things not working out - if i get through it, things will start working again.


• many (most?) smart men don't like smart women.  my theory is they like us in theory, but they're used to people agreeing with them, or them being able to shut down people's perspectives.
  
  or maybe men in general are so problematic that their symptoms are beyond diagnosing.  oh the fuck well.
  (thanks for the metaphor, house.)

while my right brain says:

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